


A niggling feeling

by serenitysolstice



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: F/F, slight angst, slight romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-28
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2019-09-01 23:49:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16775395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serenitysolstice/pseuds/serenitysolstice
Summary: The Doctor has been feeling...off, recently. Can Yaz help her figure out what exactly is going on?





	1. The seed is planted

She could feel it twisting inside her, the badness, the wrongness, the...what was she trying to describe again? The words were so difficult, they’d never really been easy for her. Her brain, usually so all over the place, far too busy and distracted to truly think of herself seemed frozen. It was...wrong. She knew that much. But what was wrong? How was it wrong? It was on the tip of her tongue, and she wasn’t sure if the constant unease she felt, or that she couldn’t describe it was more distressing to her.

“Yaz? Could I talk to you for a minute?” The Doctor asked quietly, bouncing on the balls of her feet. Yaz gave her a quick glance over, then nodded sharply. “Won’t be a tick,” She called over Ryan, who was teaching Graham how to play one of his video games. She didn’t recognise it, so it wasn’t Skyrim or Need for Speed. He nodded distantly, not truly paying attention. Yaz followed her silently to the library, where they sat down. Yaz turned to her, offered her a gentle smile.  
“Now, what’s all this about? I’ve never seen you like this, Doctor.”

“Well, it’s…” She began, expecting the words to just happen, like usual. When they didn’t, she frowned. “That’s odd.” She stood up, paced around the open floor of the room. “I just...still nothing.”

“Hey, it’s okay.” Yaz said. “Sometimes words are tricky. Happens to the best of us.”

“Well, it doesn’t happen to me.” The Doctor replied impatiently. “I don’t like it.”

“Are you nervous?” Yaz asked softly. “You seem like maybe you’re nervous.” The Doctor froze, turned to Yaz, frowned.

“Nervous? I don’t...think so? I don’t get nervous, I don’t know what it feels like.” She crossed the room in three big strides, and sat back down next to Yaz. “What does it feel like?” Yaz tilted her head, and was silent for a moment.

“It’s like when you get excited, but opposite. Like, excited is to happiness what nervousness is to fear. Like when you walk into a room after sharing a really big secret, and expecting everyone to treat you differently. Or when you’re about to do something you’ve never done before, and you might fail. Or when you open yourself up to someone, and you don’t know how they’re going to respond. That’s nervous.”

“Huh.” The Doctor took a few seconds, took in her twitching knee, her racing heart, and smiled. “I think I’m nervous!”

“That’s...great?” Yaz replied hesitantly. “But do you know why you’re nervous?”

“I’m wrong.” The Doctor said instantly, then immediately covered her mouth. “No wait, that’s not right.” Yaz offered the Time Lord a patient smile.   
“It’s okay, Doc. I’m listening.”

“I’m not wrong, exactly. I’m off. Or...misplaced? I don’t have the words...but something’s not quite right about me and I don’t know what. Like I’m slightly to the left of where I used to be?” She let out a frustrated grunt. “I hate not knowing something, it’s so hard to talk about.”

“Okay, okay, slow down. Is this, like, a physical thing, where you’ve literally shifted in time, or space...or whatever? Or more of a mental, personal shift?”

“Definitely haven’t shifted physically...well. Aside from the obvious.” She gestured at herself.

“The...obvious?”

“Of course! I used to be a man, remember? I’m sure I told you. There were twelve of me, and I’m the thirteenth me.”

“Okay, thought you were joking. But moving past that. So, you feel...off? Misplaced?”

“Exactly! Something’s wrong...I’m wrong? I don’t quite fit myself anymore. It’s like...I suppose it’s a little bit like wearing shoes that are too big and on the wrong feet. Does that make sense?” Something clicked in Yaz’s head.

“Yeah, I think it does.”

“Well, do you think you can help? I can’t keep feeling badly dressed for the rest of my life, I’d get too interested in solving myself to get anything done.”

“How long have you been feeling like this?” The Doctor shrugged.

“The last couple of months really. It’s sorta got worse over time, like an itch when you don’t scratch it.”

“So not before you fell from the sky?”

“Not before then, no.”

Yaz nodded once, picked up her phone, and started up google.

“Ooh, does Doctor Yaz have an idea? Doctor Yaz, I like that, it’s like it someone took the best parts of me and the best parts of you and put them into one person. ‘Course, there wouldn’t be much room for me, since that person would have all of you.”

“Doctor!” Yaz laughed, swatting her on the arm. “Be serious now!”

“I am.” She replied, grinning. Yaz rolled her eyes, and in response the Doctor stuck out her tongue.

“But to answer your question, yes, I have an idea. Just an idea though, I don’t know how much of this you’re going to relate to.”

“Fire away Doctor Yaz! Tell me what I’ve got!”

“Well... have you considered a binder?” The Doctor frowned, puzzled.

“A binder? What does paperwork have to do with any of this?”

“No, not that kind of...look. I think your feeling off is related to your regeneration. To having been a man for 2000 years, and now being a woman...don’t you think that might be a little disorienting?” The Doctor went quiet.

“I don’t mean to say I think you’re a man, because I don’t. But maybe becoming a woman so suddenly has...I dunno, shocked your systems?”

“That’s...certainly plausible…” The Doctor’s mind whirled with the possibility. Could she be dysphoric?! It certainly wouldn’t have been the first time, she’s lived so long, and been so many people, it was almost inevitable.

“-ctor?” Yaz’s concern pulled her out of her thoughts.

“Sorry, yes Yaz?”

“You know what body dysphoria is right? And what being transgender means?” The Doctor nodded once, slowly. “Not that I’m trying to say that’s what you have, or what you are. Just, you know, something to think about.”

“Time Lords have always been very fluid with their identities.” She whispered, so quietly Yaz almost missed it. “But this is the first time I’ve been really hit with what that means.” Yaz wrapped an arm around the Doctor’s shoulders, pulling her into a hug.

“It’s okay, Doctor. This is fine. You don’t need to do anything differently right now. You’re still you, Team TARDIS is still Team TARDIS and we all still love you. Okay? It’s allowed to feel weird, and it’s up to you if there’s something you want to do about it, okay?” The Doctor nodded, a small, shy smile crossing her lips.

“...Thanks, Yaz.” She murmered, hugging the police woman tightly. Yaz stiffened, surprised, but relaxed almost immediately.

“Anytime, Doctor. Anytime.”


	2. Something new

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A second conversation, on clothes and weirdness.

The Doctor had been mulling it over for about a week when Yaz addressed the issue again. She came at the Time Lord subtly, gently, for which she was grateful. It was still plaguing her, this sense of weirdness.

“So, Doctor...how are you feeling?” Yaz asked meaningfully, during one of their rarer quiet moments.   
“Oh, y’know.” She gestured broadly to the world around them. “Doing alright. I’m fine, yeah. How’re you doing?”

“Doctor.” Yaz said sternly, eyebrow raised. “You know what I mean.”

“Oh.” She hesitated, leaning back against a wall in the console room. “Yeah. That.” A silence permeated the room.

“If you don't want to, that's fine." Yaz said hurridly. "I don't mean to rush you. Just thought you might wanna talk again, is all."

“No, it's not that.” The Doctor turned to Yaz quickly, eyes wide and apologetic. “I just...don’t really know how. I mean, I’ve thought about what you said, and concluded that, at least on some level, you might be right. This is probably linked to my rather more drastic change.” Yaz nodded silently, waiting for her to continue.

“But I don’t know what I can do about it. I don’t even know how to describe myself. It's like...I don’t mind being a woman, not really. Well, I don’t hate it. It's no worse than being a man. Well. I don’t know if I was ever really a man either, it was just what I was used to. Or it was all I knew. Sorry. Rambling again. I do that when I feel...what was it? Nervous? Sorry.” Yaz couldn’t help her fond smile, this was her Doctor. All fast words and questions. She wouldn't have time for fears or doubts if she sped right through them.  
“Doctor, remember what Graham said? About slowing down a little for us laypeople?”

“Right, sorry.” She took a deep breath. “I don’t really know how I work now that I’ve changed. I don’t think I quite feel comfortable as a woman, in this body that I barely know, all soft and curved and _new_. But I’m definitely not a man. I tried that once, being a man in this body, and it was just too wrong, more wrong than I am now. But I don’t really know where that puts me.” Yaz thought for a second. She’d looked into gender as part of her police course, mostly where her line of work was likely to meet a transgender person and how to handle it. And she’d looked into it again, after her first talk with the Doctor. So she seemed reasonable confident she could handle this. She’d handled aliens, bombs, the terrifying reality that was human nature. She could handle the Doctor having an identity crisis.

“I don’t think it necessarily has to put you anywhere. “ She said carefully. The Doctor only watched her, frowning. She was hunched over, and her leg was bouncing so quickly the thrumming echoed through the room. _Shit._ This meant so much to her, Yaz had to be careful. “If there’s something you need to do, or something you need us to do to make you feel more comfortable, we can do that for you.” Yaz crossed the room, and took one of the Doctor’s hands. “All of time and space, and you think you’re the only person experiencing this kind of feeling?” The Doctor shrugged.

“I know that a lot of species have a load of genders - there’s a race of ‘tree people’ where each variety of tree is essentially a different sex. But you have to admit, my case is pretty unique.”

“But it can’t be, not completely? Didn’t they ever mention how difficult the...transformation can be, back at your school, or whatever?”

“Not really. Mostly it was discussed through a purely theoretical lens, because we were rarely supposed to need to regenerate. As far as I knew, everyone who did regenerate into another gendered body pretty much just got on with it.”   
“Ah.”

“Yeah. For all I know, there could just be something severely wrong with me.” She grinned cheekily at Yaz. “Well, on top of everything else, of course!” She grinned until Yaz giggled, and the Doctor joined in, feeling a little lighter. “Thanks, Yaz. I’ve needed this.”

“I told you. Any time. Now, are you sure there isn’t anything you need us to do, or anything I can do to help you through this?”

“Well...I…” Yaz nodded encouragingly. “I looked up what a ‘binder’ is and...well…”  
“You think it might help?”

“Not all the time!” The Doctor exclaimed quickly. “Sometimes I love me, sometimes I feel great and sometimes I just don’t have the time or inclination to care. But...other times...I think I might need it.”   
“That’s fine Doctor, of course you should get one if it’s going to help.”   
“Can you...um...help me?” Yaz looked up at the Doctor, who was refusing to meet her gaze. _When was the last time she’d asked anyone for help?_ She wondered idly, her grip on the blonde’s hands tightening. Smiling, she nodded softly.

“Of course I will. What do you need?”

That was how she ended up in the wardrobe with the Doctor, stripped down to an old purple bra that didn’t quite fit right, and trying desperately to keep her mind on the task.

“So I know I need measuring, but I don’t know where or how to. I never really had to bother about sizes before…”

“Comes with the territory.” Yaz replied, stretching out the tape measure in her hands. Her palms sweated, heart pounded. “If you could just hold your arms out.” The Doctor did so, grinning at Yaz all the while.   
“This is great.” She said suddenly. “I was expecting it to be weird because I barely know this body, and I'm still all out of place, and now it’s like I’m sharing it with you, but it just feels normal to me. Is that weird?” Yaz started, frowning just slightly.

“Weird to feel normal about your body, or weird to feel normal standing in front of me half naked?” She asked with a chuckle, ducking her head slightly to hide her blush.

“Little bit of both?” The Doctor asked with a shrug. Yaz put the tape over the Doctor’s chest and pulled, just tight enough to stretch slightly without digging into her.

“Honestly Doctor, if everything you did wasn’t a little bit weird, I’d worry you’d be replaced with a double, or possessed or something.”

“Sorry.” The Doctor said, still grinning. “I gotta keep talking or my brain will catch up to the weird. It’ll probably freak out. I haven’t freaked out before. I don’t know what its like!” Yaz hurriedly completed her measurements, and left the Doctor to redress.   
“I’ll be just outside if you need me!” She called. Yaz leaned against a wall, then immediately slid to the bottom, holding her head in her hands. When she closed her eyes, the image burned in her mind, the Doctor’s cheery face despite what she was going through, her smile whenever Yaz made her laugh, the sight of her in her loose purple bra. She groaned, face burning.

“...and another thing!” The Doctor’s voice came from the hallway. “If I were ever taken over by some sort of mind control, or replaced with a double, I’d expect you to recognise long before I stopped making things weird - oh!” She stopped, seeing Yaz on the floor. “You alright?” The police woman paused, then nodded, smiling. Before she could move, the Doctor had slid down the wall opposite her, and was grinning at her.

“Is this what we’re doing now? We sit on the floor?” Yaz simply smiled at her. “Because I don’t mind if that’s what we’re doing, but I should warn you. Not good at sitting still for long.”

“No!” Yaz gasped, grinning back. “Really? You surprise me, Doc.” They were quiet for a moment, both lost in their thoughts.

“Right.” Yaz said suddenly, standing up. “Do you want to order this then?” She offered her hand to the Doctor, who took it eagerly.

“Yes Ma’am!” She mock-saluted. Yaz’s heart skipped a beat. “To the kitchen? I don’t know about you, but I could really use a cuppa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly did not expect this kind of feedback, and I just wanna thank all of you! It means so much to me that the Doctor could go through a gender feels crisis, and that so many of you feel that way too <3


	3. Warmth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor finally gets her package, and falls in love with it.

“Doctor! It’s here!” Yaz burst into the TARDIS, holding a soft grey package aloft. She slowed to a halt, realising Graham and Ryan were the only ones in the room. “Uhm...where’s the Doctor?” Graham shrugged.   
“She said something about low pressure, and wandered off. Last thing we heard was ‘wait here for Yaz!’”

“What’s here?” Ryan asked, gesturing to the package. “Why’s the Doctor using human post?” 

“Oh, y’know,” Yaz said, holding the grey package in her arms. “She’s never met a postman, was hoping she’d be around to see it delivered. She doesn’t have her own address...for Earth, at least.” 

“Yeah, sure.” Ryan nodded, frowning. “Well, she can’t have gone too far, shall we go find her? Graham?”

“Oh, I think I’ll stay here, maybe make a cup of tea. It won’t take all three of us going, right?” Yaz and Ryan looked at each other, frowned, but nodded.    
“Alright, see you later?” 

“So, where do you think she’s got to?” Yaz asked, wandering down a long thin corridor with one door right at the end. 

“I dunno. She does like to just wander off, don’t she?” Ryan glanced back down at the package Yaz held tightly, almost possessively. “Whatever she ordered, must be pretty important, the way you came running in.” He saw Yaz stiffen slightly. 

“Yeah.” She muttered finally. 

“Hey, I’m not gonna go nosing around in business that ain’t mine.” Ryan added. “I don’t care what’s in it. Just nice to see her trusting someone.” Yaz whipped her head to look him properly in the face. 

“What do you mean? She trusts all of us, obviously!” Ryan wore a smirk, and raised an eyebrow. 

“Not quite like she trusts you though. I get it, though. You’re easy to talk to, and the Doctor needs that, I think. Lord knows she’s hiding something, and I don’t care what it is, a problem shared is a problem halved.” He hesitated, setting back off down the hall. “S’what my nan would say, anyway.” 

“She’d be right.” Yaz replied, not quite sure what to add. They reached the door. There was audible gasps, and swear words, and the occasional clanging sound coming from behind it. “Ryan, do you mind if I-” She gestured to the door apologetically. He grinned at her. 

“No worries, I wouldn’t want to get in the way of you two anyway. We’ll be in the kitchen when you’re ready.” Without another word, he jogged back down to the console room, and Yaz sent a prayer with him that the TARDIS would keep everything in the same place for him. Taking a deep breath, Yaz opened the door. 

“Yaz!” The Doctor exclaimed, pulling back her welding mask. “I was just wondering if I should come, see if you’ve arrived yet. But I really needed to...get...this…” She wrenched hard on the pipe that sat before her. “-done!” She gasped, pulling back. “There, that should stabilize the air pressure.” She took off her mask and gloves, and approached Yaz still grinning. “Noticed it in the console room. Smelt a bit funny. Had a bit of a problem with the circulation matrix, the TARDIS was routing the wrong sort of air to the wrong rooms. She’s a bit funny like that. Gets a bit needy after a few days with you lot. I think she just wants the attention to be honest. Now, what can I do for you?” She stood with her hands on her hips, grinning. Yaz couldn’t hold back her smile, and just shook her head as she handed over the package. 

“This arrived for you today. Had to explain to my mum why it was addressed to you.” She winced at the memory.

“A package? Human mail? But I didn’t order anything?” Yaz eyebrows rose. 

“Yeah you did, Doc...your...binder?” The Doctor’s mouth fell open, and her eyes shone.

“Oh yes, so I did! I know I promised the boys I wouldn’t be long, but do you think it would be alright if-” She stopped, gestured to the grey plastic, and back to herself. “I’ve been really excited.” She explained, like she hadn’t completely forgot about it moments before.    
“I know, Doctor, I know. C’mon, let’s go find the wardrobe.” 

“Right, I’ve got it on.” The Doctor’s voice came, quieter than usual. “But I’m not sure if it’s...erm...me?” She didn’t sound upset, which Yaz took to be a good sign, so she called back encouragingly. 

“It’s okay Doctor, show me.” There was a slight hesitation. “Come on, I’m not going to laugh or anything.” The curtain pulled back, revealing the Doctor looking pretty much the same as before. Same t shirt, trousers, same boots and suspenders. The only change was-

“Oh my god.” The Doctor grinned, looking in the full length mirror. “I’m flat.” She certainly was. Not that Yaz had noticed much of the Doctor in...that area to begin with, but there was a noticeable difference in the fit of her t shirt. “I’m actually flat!” She let out a giggle, running her hands over her torso. “Ooh, it feels weird, not quite like old me, but definitely not new me either. Oh, I like it. I could get used to it.” She turned to Yaz suddenly, her smile freezing on her face.   
“What is it?” Yaz asked carefully. It really wouldn’t do to sound unencouraging while the Doctor, though obviously ecstatic, was also emotionally vulnerable.

“Does it...does it suit me?” She asked, her arms coming to hover in front of her. A memory flashed in Yaz’s head.

_ “Why are you calling me Madam?” _

_ “‘Cause...you’re a woman?”  _

_ “Am I? Does it suit me?” _

They’ve come a long way since then, the pair of them. The Doctor was nervous, cautious, around her in a way that she hadn’t been back then. Yaz was more often reassuring her, reminding her that it’s okay to just sit back and breathe, to think of herself as well as the rest of the universe. It was never more evident than in this moment, with the Doctor eyeing her, a glimmer of hope in her eyes.   
“Of course it does.” Yaz replied softly, taking the Doctor’s hands in hers. “You look amazing. It really, really suits you.” She smiled warmly, and tried to convey everything the Doctor made her feel in her gaze. All the friendship, trust, love, hope. The Doctor smiled back, before pulling Yaz into her arms. 

“Oh thank you Yasmin Khan. For everything. You have no idea what this has been like, all this confusion, all this badness inside me. You’ve made everything just...go quiet. Just for a bit. Thank you.”

“Any time.” Yaz whispered over the Doctor’s shoulder. “Really. I will always be ready to listen to you, and to talk to you, and just be around if you don’t want to be alone. Exactly the same as how you’re here for us. We’re your gang, after all.” 

“My fam?” The Doctor said after a moment's pause. “No, still not right. Ah well, can’t blame a girl for trying.” She stiffened in Yaz’s arm, before pulling out of the hug. “No, not girl. We’ve been through this. I don’t have to be, though, do I?”

“You don’t have to be anything you don’t want to be.” She saw the Doctor visibly relax, before taking a step back. 

“Thanks Yaz. You’ve always been my favourite, you know.” She offered the police officer a wink, before darting out of the room. Yaz took a deep breath, crushed the hope that took root in her heart whenever the Doctor said something like that, and followed her back to the console room. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your encouragement throughout this fic, I've genuinely loved writing it, and I'm hoping to write more GNC!Doctor in the future!

**Author's Note:**

> I know that it's gonna be easy to dislike this fic - the Doctor has just become a woman, and now here this loser is trying to take that away from the fanbase.  
> But that's not what I'm trying to do here. I just think that...2000 years of masculinity, and then to be thrown into a whole new world with very little warning would be a little disorienting. The Doctor surely must feel some things.


End file.
